Fenris's Regret
by ElissaCouslandTherin14
Summary: Fenris watches the woman he loves, yet is to cowardly to tell, and the Arishok, battle it out to the death. And it isn't going well. Soon he is forced to make a decision that may very well save Hawke's life, and change his own. Im not very good at summaries, but its better understood once read. Rated M to be safe


**A/N: Set at the end of act 2. Mage Fem Hawke/ Fenris pairing. Fenris' feelings as Hawke battles the Arishok, and the guilt he suffers at her being badly injured at his suggestion of single combat. (I always struggle as a mage to beat the Arishok). Massively AU, because I like wild and eccentric ideas that come into my head (And there are a lot trust me). Note, not for the faint of heart. Also this was going to be a one shot, but its now grown to a multi chapter mini fic. Its also very sad, but will (I promise) get a happy ending, so bear with me. As always I don't own Dragon age or Fenris ****L****, but my Hawke does have some of my personality traits, as you will see in the later chapters.**

1:

Fenris watched with wide eyes and a lump in his throat as horror unfolded before his eyes. And it was all his fault. He had been the one to remind the Arishok that he himself had names Hawke Bassalit-an, and that she was worthy of single combat.

So now Chloe Hawke, mage, and, if he was completely honest with himself, love of his life, was squaring off against the monstrous Qunari leader, fighting for the peoples of Kirkwall, for Isabella, who stood beside Fenris, along with Aveline and Anders, and most importantly, fighting for her own life.

And it wasn't going so well.

Fenris watched Hawke run around a column, ducking and dodging out of the way of the Arishok's huge battleaxe, her hands and staff alternating between healing spirit magic and an array of offensive spells. But it wasn't enough. She was bruised, dishevelled, drenched in swear, panting and covered in many cuts, some that refused to close as she healed.

"I swear," Anders' voice, full of spite, broke into Fenris's revere. "If she dies, I blame you completely." Fenris shot the mage a venomous glance.

"She wont die," he snarled, "I won't allow it."

Yet as the words left his mouth, the Arishok bore down on Hawke, who had been backhanded to the ground, lifting her into the air and impaling her with the head of his axe.

Her agonising scream made Fenris' heart drop. No! He had vowed to protect her, and, even if she was clueless to his feelings, love her from afar, coward that he was. This wasn't supposed to happen.

"Chloe!" he cried. He rarely used her given name when in company, but he didn't care. He ran down the steps, only to be caught by two more hulking Qunari.

"No interference," one told him. Fenris growled wildly, before turning his attention back to Hawke, whose life was slowly ebbing away. Behind him Aveline and Anders began to sob quietly, and Isabella, obviously attempted the same as him as there was more scuffling then an indignant cry from the pirate.

Hawke, meanwhile, had more will left that any of them thought, the Arishok included. She planted her feet on the giants shoulders, screaming as she removed herself off his blade, blood showering everywhere, to Fenris's horror. Pulling all the remaining mana he had into his palms, she staff long gone, shattered by the Arishok, she fired a paralyzing glyph to hold him in place, then threw a fireball directly at him to incinerate him. She jumped off of him, landing awkwardly on he feet, but remarkably keeping herself upright, grimacing in pain as the Arishok caught fire. Burning flesh hit Fenris's nostrils, and moments later the Arishok fell down dead.

Cheers erupted all around as the nobles of Kirkwall swarmed around Hawke like vultures, and she was soon lost in a sea of bodies, all congratulating her. Fernis snarled. Couldn't they see she was injure? Did they care? He needed to get to her, but the pompous idiots didn't give two figs.

Knight Commander Meredith arrived then with her templar's, Carver included, late as usual. They took in the scene before them and Meredith smiled, albeit a reluctant admission that a mage had saved them all. They dispersed the crowds and Fenris heard Meredith name Chloe Champion of Kirkwall. Through the dispersing crowd, Fenris could now see her again, face contorted in pain. However she still graciously accepted Meredith's congratulations. As soon as the room was empty however, she fell to her knees, finally succumbing to her injury.

"Chloe," he screamed again, finally able to reach her, where she was knelt on the floor.

"Fen….," she whispered, sagging into his arms as he reached her. He tucked his legs up and held her close.

"I'm here," he brushed a strand of brown hair out of her eyes, cupping her cheek in his hand, careful not to catch her skin with his gauntlet. She was drenched in sweat, yet ice cold. Her purple robes now appeared mostly black, ripped and drenched in blood. Fenris's legs were slick with blood also, as she appeared to be losing that much blood. "Mage," he cried out at Anders. He hated the fact that Hawke's life was now in the abominations hands, but as he was the only other healer, he cared not, as long as she was healed.

Anders looked sick as he knelt at Hawke's other side. His hand glowed as he hovered it above her stomach and he physically flinched.

"She's haemorrhaging," he said. "If I cant stop the bleeding and close the wound, she will die."

"No…" Fenris glanced down and Hawke, whose face was a mask of pain. She was so pale and seemed to struggle to stay awake, but even so her emerald eyes met his forest green ones and she smiled weakly. "What do we do?"

Anders pulled a knife off of the belt on his waist and began cutting away the frayed edges of her robe to expose the wound. "Isabella," he called. "I need my medical kit from Darktown," the rouge hesitated, "NOW," Anders yelled and she snapped to attention, leaving abruptly. "Aveline, you need to find Donnic and bring a stretcher for when I've stabilised her enough to move her," through her tears Aveline nodded, also leaving. "Fenris…"

"I'm not leaving her," he said stubbornly.

Anders nodded. "I suspected as much," the mage sighed. "Just… help me OK?" The elf nodded. "Keep her clam, keep her talking, but most importantly, keep her awake." He cut away the last shred of her robe. "Oh and I hope you aren't too squeamish, this wont be pretty." He moved the scrap off of the wound.

It was a lot worse that Fenris had ever imagined. The Arishoks blade had cut wide, a long jagged gash that ran the width of her stomach, taking no prisoners as it pierced muscles, intestines, sinew and even bone. Fenris, who was never particularly queasy at the sight of blood, almost lost his lunch there and then.

"Fen…" her voice called to him and he let his gaze drift back to her. "Hey," she smiled again.

"Hey," his voice was thick and he felt tear spring in his eyes. "Forgive me. This is my fault. If I hadn't suggested…. " her fingers found his lips.

"Shhh," her voice was no more than a whisper. "Its not your fault. It was nice that someone had so much faith in me for a change. I was glad I could save people for a change. Ive let so many people down. Bethany….. Mother. Seamus and the Viscount," she coughed and blood splattered her lips. She licked them clean.

"Don't think on that now," he stroked his thumb across her porcelain cheek. "There will be time to talk of that later."

"I…. I have to say something…in case I don't…"

"You will make it," he said stubbornly.

"I'm so cold Fenris. And I cant feel my legs," she drew in a rattling breath and winced as Anders began to sort the mess that was her stomach out. "Please…. Just listen to what I have to say…."

"Of course…"

"Its always been you…." she told him through tear soaked pools. "Ever since we first met. I…. I've loved you for so long Fenris, I've just been afraid to tell you. When you left me after our night together, I tried to hate you…. But I longed to be with you still."

"Hush now," Fenris moped sweat from her forehead using the red handkerchief he had tied round his upper right bicep, a secret memento, along with the Amell family crest on his belt buckle, of his dedication to the woman dying in his arms.

"No…" Hawke's voice raised higher. Maker, she was stubborn, but that was part of her charm. Part of what he loved about her. "Fenris….. You have to know. If these are our final words to each other, let us be truthful." She coughed again, a horrible death rattle that scared him. "I love you Fenris… and all I wanted was for you to love me back." A tear rolled down her cheek, her eyes so full of emotion that he cried too.

"I do," he told her. "Oh Chloe, I've been such a fool. I should have stayed, worked through it with you. But I am a coward. I though it better if you had hated me, I deserved no less. But it isn't better. I remember your touch as if it were yesterday. Not being with you hurts a thousand times more than I ever imagined. And now my own stupidity has nearly killed you," he lent forward and brushed her forehead with his. "I'm sorry. I love you, always have. I should have said it before now. I love you."

His lips met hers for the first time in months, and it was glorious. He felt her respond, just barely. Her lips tasted coppery and metallic and he could feel the slickness of blood, but he didn't care. All he cared about was conveying all of his feelings of love into the woman below him. She sighed and placed a cold hand on his cheek, whispering his name. His heart soared with happiness.

But his happiness was short lived.

Hawke's hand fell from his cheek, her head lolled to one side, their lips parting. Fenris looked down and her, ice in his heart and gave her a shake.

"Chloe?" he shook her again, more frantically. "Chloe!. No….you can't…I wont allow it."

Anders paused his work to place two fingers at the pulse point at her wrist. "Damn, she's not breathing," he shifted his position. "Fenris move, I need to get her breathing again."

"No," Fenris snarled. "You work on stopping the bleeding, I will revive her." Anders looked like he was about to argue. "No, Anders," Fenris seldom used the mages name and Anders looked startled. Fenris sighed. "Please…. This isn't easy for me, asking for your aid. But if you care for her as I know you do…..please, help me save her life."

Anders stared at the elf, his coppery brown eyes wide in shock. He wanted to protest, but he nodded at the sight of Fenris, covered in Hawke's blood, his white hair rumpled, his eyes wide and red with tears, looking miserable. He smiled at the elf then resumed the work he had been doing on Hawke's stomach. Her spleen was ruptured beyond repair, so he would have to remove it, then he would make sure that her intestine weren't twisted when he put them back into place. Then there was the tricky task of healing her shattered spine. He hadn't voiced this to Fenris but, if she survived, Hawke may never walk again.

The doors to the keep erupted open, Isabella spilling in, carrying the medical supplies. On her heels was Aveline and Donnic carrying the stretcher. More surprisingly the rear was brought up by Carver, who looked ill when he saw the sight before him.

At the sight of Fenris beginning to pump her heart with two hand, and breathe into her mouth at intervals, Aveline began to cry again holding onto Donnic for support. Isabella dropped down by Anders with his bag, passing him instruments at his hastily whispered commands.

"S…Sister?" Carvers eyes swam with tears. He fell by his older sisters head and sobbed.

Fenris grew more and more frustrated as the minutes went on. And angry. Angry at Hawke for leaving him, angry at the Arishok who had dared to do this to her, but most importantly angry at himself.

"Come on….." he grunted with each rep on her chest. "Come back," tears fell on his gauntlet. "Come back to me dammit." He growled angrily, standing abruptly and walking away. Carver called to him angrily, but Fenris didn't hear what he said. The younger Hawke took up the elf's place, trying to get his sister to breathe.

Fenris wandered over to the steps and sat down, cupping his hands over his face and screaming in grief. He didn't know how to save her. He wasn't a healer like Chloe or even like Anders. His hands weren't made to bring life. He punched the steps violently with his right hand, causing little damage to his fingers, but cracking the marble. All he knew was death, it was all he was good at. Phasing his hand through slavers chests, crushing their hearts, this he was good at. He was a monster, undeserving of love or friendship or compassion. He couldn't even save the one thing he had come to treasure most in this life….

Inspiration hit, like the Maker himself had planted it in his mind. He yanked off his gauntlets and looked at his bare hands, at the Lyrium stained across them. He lit them up experimentally, a plan forming in his brain furiously.

"I know what to do," he crossed back over to the group. He knelt by his loves motionless body. "Carver, continue to breath for her, every ten seconds, short sharp bursts," the templar looked confused, but nodded. "Anders, Isabella," the mage had removed her spleen and was rearranging her intestines, making sure they didn't twist. "Close that wound." He didn't wait for a reply, lighting up his hands again, and phasing his right one through her chest cavity. Carver yelped in surprise, but continues his ministrations.

"Fenris…." Aveline cried. "What are you doing? You could hurt her more."

"She's already gone Aveline," he sobbed. "I have no other options, and nothing left to lose." The Guard Captain opened her mouth to protest but upon seeing Fenris, broken upon the floor, she closed her moth and nodded. Fenris found her heart and cupped it gently in his hand. He massaged it, sending sparks of his own form of magic skittering across it. At first there was nothing, and minutes rolled by without success. Fenris screamed again, once again angry he had failed her.

But just as he was about to give up…

_THUMP._

Her heart jerked under his hand. He continues, his resolve renewed.

_THUMP…..THUMP,_ stronger now.

Suddenly a gasp erupted from her lips and her eyes flew open. Fenris pulled his had from her and his markings ceased to glow.

Carver wooped and slapped Fenris on the back. Anders and Isabella smiled at each other, as he started to heal her stomach. Aveline continued to cry, this time with joy.

Hawke's emerald eyes scanned the room, taking in the releived faces staring down at her, until she found his face.

"Hey…" she whispered.

"Hey," he cupped her cheek. "Don't ever do that to me again." She smiled.

"You were glowing," she mumbled.

"Yes… that," he beamed down at her. "I will tell you later. For now you should jus rest."

They moved her onto the stretcher shortly after, Anders having used a combination of both needle and thread, and healing magic, to close the wound. He had told her she would scar but she had brushed it off, claiming her life was more important, which Fenris was all to happy to agree with.

As they carried her through Hightown and towards her estate, people gasped, all joy at surviving the Qunari washed away at the sight of their hero in such a state. The fact that she held Fenris's hand tightly in hers the whole way did nothing to quell the rumours already going around about the pair, but for once Fenris didn't care.

He couldn't keep the smile off his face. He, who had always seen his markings as a curse, a means of destruction and killing, had saved the life of the most important thing to him.

And he swore to himself, as they entered the confines of the Hawke estate, that he would treasure the life he saved, and never let her go.

**A/n: Phew. Admit it, about half of you thought I was going to be really mean and let her die. But hurray for Fenris. The next chapter will be uploaded soon. As I write a draft copy first before it goes on the computer, I have to take the chances when inspiration hits. But I know the direction this fic is going so it wont be long. Also for readers of my other two fics, I am still working on them, but this one came to mind only because I am currently replaying through both Dragon age games before Inquisition comes out in November. Also on a side note, the idea of Fenris putting his hand in her to revive her, cam from a conversation he and Isabella have in game, where she says he could have pulled a knife from one of her sailors legs, only I went with that idea on an enlarged scale. Reviews and criticism welcome, as always. Peace out S x**


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